Every year for International Coming Out Day, I reflect on the lessons I’ve learned over the years of coming out as LGBTQ+ and the journey I’ve been on thus far with embracing my queer+ identity.
What is International Coming Out Day?
According to the Human Rights Campaign, International Coming Out Day was established 31 years ago to mark the anniversary of the National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights.
However, for me, today is an annual reminder of my journey so far and how far I’ve come.
Because while it may not be the day I came out (although does anyone have one day they came out?), it is a day of reflection.
On the 11th of October, I always find myself thinking back to where I’ve been (physically and mentally) over the past 8 years. Before writing that last sentence, I hadn’t realised how many years its been, because in so many ways it still feels like yesterday.
My October 11th
Oct 2013 – 21 years old, oblivious. Is it even called closeted if I was entirely unaware of my identity, or the journey that was about to unfold.
Oct 2014 –Just graduated, I was terrified of the new set of feelings I’d never had before. Plus, confused because I was told it was just a phase. I came out to my best friend and brother. Living in Vietnam made hiding very easy. Bought some flannel and a snap back.
Oct 2015 – Went to my first pride. Cried. Moved back home. Told some more friends. Cried. Told my parents. Cried some more. On reflection, despite many comings out, I wasn’t yet out to myself. Watched a lot of LGBT Youtubers.
Posted this cryptic poem on Instagram:
Oct 2016 – Got my first ‘real’ job. Experienced my first heart break. Tried my first time online dating. Created my first LGBTQ+ social media post (so I didn’t have to come out 100 more times). Could comfortably say the word ‘gay’ out loud.
Oct 2017 – Out at work. Started an LGBT staff Network. Started a blog to share my travel & queer experiences. My mum came to pride. Bought a pride flag. Got a pride tattoo. Began using the word queer interchangeably with gay. Started to gain a community of LGBTQ+ humans online and in person. Felt proud.
Oct 2018 – Got more passionately proud. Like organising for my company to march at Pride for the first time. Or entering a healthy relationship. I also wrote about my experience of being gay in public. And then went on to present this experience globally to 1100+ colleagues. At the same time, I felt true belonging in the community.
Oct 2019 – 27 years old, proudly queer. And getting more and more confident speaking on equality and LGBT inclusion with every passing day. Still learning a lot about the LGBTQ community and learning a lot about myself. Still coming out regularly.
Oct 2020 – Bring it.
Coming out is liberating, Coming out is freedom,
Coming out is terrifying.
It is constant. It is continuous.
Sometimes easy, sometimes impossible. Sometimes it floods out like word vomit, sometimes no matter how loudly your brain screams you can’t make a sound.
Its earth shattering, life changing and so uneventful it passes unnoticed by everyone. but you.
And it’s your story. Only yours.
– J Howieson
Lessons I’ve Learned About Coming Out
To every LGBTQ+ human reading this (and to the brilliant allies who are too), I want to share 8 things I’ve learnt since 2014. These are lessons from my own journey or speaking with others about coming out and owning your identity.
If you’re out, I hope it helps you feel less alone. And if you’re not, then I hope that at least 1 of them helps you even a little.
It’s Not Too Late
I was 22 when I first considered that I may not be straight. There’s no right or wrong stage in your life to come out or even start exploring your identity. Some people know from early childhood, others are 95. In summary, whenever is right for you is the right time.
Own Your Story
We come out to our family, to our friends, to colleagues, to strangers or to no one at all. And while doing so can feel liberating, it’s also your choice who, when or where. A friend that gets mad you didn’t tell them sooner isn’t a friend.
Protect Yourself
Keeping yourself safe (mentally and physically) is of utmost importance. In other words, if you fear that coming out may lead to you loosing your place to stay, financial security or poses any other form of risk, reach out to someone or find a safe space before you do. I never want to advise anyone to stay closeted, but be sure that when you do share your truth, you are not putting yourself in danger.
You Can Change Your Mind
Only you chose how you identify, and you get as many goes as you want. For instance, in the beginning I identified as ‘I have a girlfriend’. Because I couldn’t get the word gay out of my mouth. Later on, I owned ‘gay’ a little more, mostly when writing. And recently, I’ve discovered the word queer which has made conversations even easier again. Who knows, perhaps that will evolve more in time. Above all, whatever your labels (if you choose to have any at all), how you identify is yours to own, change and shape as your grow and evolve too.
How You Do Is Up To You
This could be talking face to face, making a phone call, sending a text, a social media post, wearing a t-shirt, writing a letter (my communication of choice), a large flash mob dance sequence, mentioning a partner in passing comment. Whichever way you chose, how you come out is up to you. And that means that it can be as monumental or subtle as you want. And you won’t be doing it just once, so find what works best and is comfiest for different scenarios. (Also: If you choose flash-mob I want videos).
People May Surprise You
You might have an idea of how people will react, but don’t assume. Because people will surprise you, often pleasantly. For example a friend that made an offhand homophobic comment may accept you with open arms, perhaps getting to know you will be what they needed to become more accepting. So don’t let someone’s past behaviours, religion or culture be the reason you do or don’t come out to them. Where you feel safe and confident enough to do so, give them a chance.
Give Other’s Time
That being said, don’t expect other’s to take a journey overnight that took you 3 years. Particularly those closest to you who may not have suspected anything. Give your parents the same space and patience you needed to accept yourself. And give people a chance to readjust how they envisioned your future.
Sure, perhaps in an ideal world you shouldn’t need to come out, and acceptance should be immediate. But that’s not the world we live in. Those that matter will get to where you need them to be, but maybe not tomorrow.
We’re Here Waiting For You
Regardless of how people react, you have a family. The phrase ‘chosen family’ is used heavily in the LGBTQ+ community, and it’s true. For example, try to connect with other LGBTQ+ people online, at local meet ups, at work or wherever you can. However you find them, there is a worldwide family waiting with open arms waiting to welcome you in. You are valid. You are seen. And You belong.
To those out or coming out, happy coming out day. And to those not yet ready, you’re still part of this community, and we’re ready for you when you are.
xoxo Jenna
Blogs That May Interest You:
- LGBT Travel Problems
- Lesbian Visibility: We Need To Talk About It.
- LGBT Mental Health
- How I Afford To Travel
- Being Gay In 2018: A Reality Check
